KC Column: The Return of Auntie KC

Hulk #18 Variant Cover

NOT by KC Carlson

Hello, twerps!

That regular gomer who usually writes this column isn’t here. Seems that at his recent holiday party, the fool decided to invite both the Green Hulk and the Red Hulk (“because they look so Christmas-sy together”), and the next thing I know, he’s impaled at the top of the tree and the EMTs are arguing about who’s going to be sweeping all the dead needles out of the back of the ambulance. Happy Holidays, doofus!

Let’s get right to the mail…

Dear Auntie KC,
Your nephew seems like a nice enough guy, but I get the impression that he tries to be a bit PC when it comes to talking about current comics. You know, trying not to offend anybody. I get the feeling that you’re a bit more opinionated. So spill – What do you think about current comics?

Stu Inguptrouble
Chaos, NM

Aww, my boy KC’s not so bad… He just up and got himself bitten by a radioactive moron when he was in high school, so nowadays he’s still fixacated on them crazy sooperhero comical books. I hear lots of folks like ‘em. Me, I’m really enjoying all those recent vintage comic strip collections, so I can read all my favorites of the past. For me, a good time is curling up with a big jug o’ tonic and a new collection of Ziggy cartoons… or that Marmaduke fellow. I loves my pups! And whatever that Ziggy feller is…

If you’re trying to rile me up and get me to say that I think that everybody in DC Comics is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or that all the Marvel characters are victims of ‘Roid Rage… Well, it’s jes’ not gonna happen here. Those two publishers are the epitome of… er… well, something. They are epitomious!

Hope this answers your question. Thanks for writing.
Auntie KC

Dear Auntie KC,
In that last letter, I think you misspelled fixated. Or else you are just a ignoramus.

Nathan Nincompoop
Poop Poop Pa Doop, PA

Thank you for the correction. My, the mail moves fast – and at Christmastime too! Although, for the record, I am not a ignoramus. According to my records, the Ignoramus died out around 500 years ago, right after the Earth was formed.

Hope this answers your question. Thanks for writing.
Auntie KC

Dear Auntie KC,
Did you get anything cool for Christmas?

Nosy Noodleman
Needles, NV

Well, my idiot nephew ended up in the hospital. That was pretty cool! Sure is quiet around here!

According to these notes he left on his desk, he asked some folks around the comics world what they got for Christmas:

Captain America: Brought back to life! Except that Stephen Colbert guy still has my shield!

Legion of Super-Heroes: A new/old writer!

Spider-Man: Promises from all my old friends to come and beat me up!

Harvey Birdman: A partridge in a pear tree.

Hulk: Bunny slippers! Hulk like bunnies!

Archie: Not really married! Whew!

Michelangelo: Two turtle doves.

Jonah Hex: My first ever graphic novel!

Red Arrow: A new pair of gloves.

Foghorn Leghorn: Three French hens.

Deadpool: 50 bazillion new comic series! Wowzers!

Pet Avengers: Bunny slippers! (And our own comic book!)

Oracle: Four calling birds.

Norman Osborn: Hair straightener.

Groo: Cheese dip! (From Wisconsin! Thanks, Roger!)

Yellow Lanterns: Five golden rings!

Crystal: A new husband! Eww!

Nemesis: My own comic book! (Only took 30 years!)

Gladstone Gander: Six geese a-laying.

Buffy: Twilight on Blu-Ray.

Terra: A secret identity.

Vanessa Kapatelis: Seven swans a-swimming.

Huey, Dewey & Louie: Junior Woodchuck Guidebook iPhone app.

Barry Allen: 1,000 pairs of socks.

Bessie the Hellcow: Eight maids a-milking.

Dr. Bong: The Clapper.

Swamp Thing: A chia pet.

Swan (CMX): Nine ladies dancing.

Kitty Pryde: Lost Season Five DVD.

Choopie: Hostess fruit pies!

Batroc: Ten lords a-leaping.

Doc Savage: Tan in a can.

Steven Strange: His medical degree back.

Hartley Rathaway: Eleven pipers piping.

Flaming Carrot: A hat made of Spam.

Wolverine: Beer of the Month Club.

The Drummer: Twelve drummers drumming.

Marvel Universe: 1-Day Park Hopper passes.

Usagi Yojimbo: Bunny slippers. I find this in poor taste. Must be from Gen.

Metal Men: A rock.

Hope this answers your question. Thanks for writing.
Auntie KC

Dear Auntie KC,
I’m really excited by all the big storylines going on right now. Do you have any spoilers?

Danjo Quesadido
Gonnagetsued, NY

You mean you want me to give away the endings of the stories? Sure! I can do that!
(Nobody minds, do they?)

Fall of the Hulks: Red Hulk (the smart one) realizes that they wouldn’t keep falling down if they didn’t forget to tie their shoes, so he gets all the Hulks size 47EEEEEE Velcro sneakers. Problem solved!

Fall of the Hulks (alternate ending): The Hulks all go to school for Weebles training. Problem solved!

Blackest Night: Alfred remembers to pay the power bill. Problem solved!

Dark Reign: Reed Richards builds several giant Brita filters and installs them in orbit around the Earth. Problem solved!

The Search for Batman: They find him. Problem solved!

Who Will Wield the Shield?: Super Mario. When you need a welder, why not get the best plumber available? Problem solved!

Siege: Norman Osborn has a bad hair day, flips out, and destroys the Marvel Universe. The Sentry curls up in a ball and cries. Problem solved!

Oh! Was I supposed to leave room to scroll down? Oopsie!

Hope this answers your question. Thanks for writing.
Auntie KC

Dear Auntie KC,
Have you made a New Year’s Resolution yet?

Neil Questioningly (Mrs.)
Resolute, NV

Yes! Not to answer any more stupid questions!

Oh, and here are some Resolutions from comic folks. They’re probably just as dumb as the Christmas presents list…

Batman: Not to be dead. Oh, and to stay away from Grant Morrison. He creeps me out.

Hulk: To wear bunny slippers! Hulk like bunnies!

Norman Osborn: To stop listening to the voices inside my head.

Norman Osborn: What voices?

Norman Osborn: You know what voices.

Norman Osborn: Ohhhh… Those voices. Just ignore them.

Norman Osborn: Norman is such a pretty girl. Aren’t I a pretty girl, Norman?

Norman Osborn: PARKER!

Norman Osborn: I wish I had bunny slippers…

Norman Osborn: Will you all SHUT UP?!? I’m trying to watch Lost!

Deadpool: To think before talking. Like that’s gonna happen…

Superman: To actually appear in my own comic books.

The Sentry: Stop listening to Norman.

Millie the Model: Wishing I would get my own Marvel Masterworks.

Justice Society: A membership cap, until we can get things sorted out.

Red Arrow: Change my name to Lefty.

Namor: Keep going to my anger management classes.

Archie: Learn to make up my mind.

Betty & Veronica: Find better boyfriend material.

Dark Wolverine: Stop listening to Norman.

Green Arrow: Not to keep secrets.

Iron Man: If I only had a brain…

Norman Osborn: Did I really sleep with Gwen Stacy?

Ronin/Hawkeye: Did I really sleep with Wanda?

Black Widow: I need to call Tony. And Clint. And Matt. And Logan. And Bucky. And Herc. And Nick. And…

Warlord: Learn to live for the moment.

Ms. Marvel (Dark Avengers): Stop listening to Norman.

Luke Cage: Learn to play golf.

Cyclops: Sometimes, you just need a little Doop…

Titans and Teen Titans: To discover a sense of purpose. Finally.

Funky Flashman: Start pushing Comic Books in a Can! We’re losing sales to Motion Comics!

Red Hulk: Get my own bunny slippers. They’re so cool! I mean, GRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Necrosha: Why does my storyline seem so familiar?

Gravediggers everywhere: Go back to school and get a real job.

Norman Osborn: Stop listening to Norman.

Roger Ash: Find a better columnist.

Hope this answers your question. Thanks for writing.
Auntie KC

Dear Auntie KC,
When does KC get out of the hospital? When he does, can you put him back in again? Your columns are a lot more fun!

Johanna Roseannadanna
Fort Lee, NJ

Thanks, J! I think that can be arranged! Ever since he had that stroke, you can distract him with just about anything shiny! Have you got a spoon?

[sound of door closing]

KC: Hey, Auntie! What’s going on here? What are you doing here?

AUNTIE KC: Uh… nothing. Um… How was the hospital?

KC: What are you talking about? I was just getting the mail. What are you doing at my computer?

AUNTIE KC: Nothing…

[reads column]

KC: ARRGH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? You know the Judge said “No more columns!” We still haven’t settled all the lawsuits from the last one yet! And how did you get out of your apartment without your ankle alarm going off!


KC: You can’t say this stuff!!! WE LOVE COMICS!!! Some of these people are my friends! I’ll get fired! Again!

AUNTIE KC: Almost done… Just let me…

KC: And get away from my computer!!!. I can’t have you accidentally hitting that PUBLISH butt

EDITOR’S NOTE: The previous does not reflect the opinions of Westfield Comics, its employees, or anyone in their right mind. We don’t know any Auntie KC, nor have we ever met one. And we most certainly don’t know any KC Carlson. Nope. No way. No how. We love comic books. We have a lot of comic books. Please buy some. They’ll help you forget you ever read this. May we recommend some good ones, right after the following advertisement:



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