KC - ASK AUNTIE KC

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(WoW FEB 08)

Since 1988, Auntie KC has been comics' preeminent advice columnist (except for 1989-1997 when she was incarcerated for fraud and for 1997-2007 when she was getting her hair done). Do you have a problem or a question that you would like answered, or are you just a raving lunatic like most of the message board folks? Send your questions, comments, and bribes to: AuntieKC@WestfieldComics.com

To link to this column, use this link (right click and copy)

Dear Auntie KC,

It's been very interesting reading about the impending Skrull takeover in many recent Marvel comics, and I'm very curious about Secret Invasion. Do you think it's possible that Skrulls could exist in real life and may have taken over some people on Earth? Like some of the people that work for Marvel? Maybe the Skrulls are trying to present their agenda in the pages of Marvel Comics.

Doober Drox
Cowsville, NY

You mean the Skrulls have taken over the creators producing the comics? Nah, freelancers are just naturally weird. But that Tom Brevoort guy... I dunno. He knows too much...

Hope this answers your question. Thanks for writing.

Auntie KC


Dear Auntie KC,

I've recently uncovered a nefarious plan to warp the minds of all those fine young readers that love comic books.

It's the staples.

I've discovered that the material that staples are made of (some sort of metallic compound) is extremely toxic when ingested. Lab mice that have eaten more than 4,000 staples were observed to be listless, unmoving, and quite possibly dead. Following this, the mice were unable to complete our questionnaire about the comic book they had just read, leading us to believe that the staples had done something unfortunate to their mental state.

It is speculated that humans who ingest an equivalent proportional amount of staples (approx. 4,953,666,438) could possibly display the same, or similar, results under certain controlled laboratory conditions.

It's the staples, I tell you.

Robert Lysergic
Pretty Colors, UT

Yeah... the staples... THAT's what's warping the minds of comic book readers.

Hope this answers your question. Thanks for writing.

Auntie KC


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Dear Auntie KC,

We all know that the real star of the Batman books is Alfred the butler. Why has he never gotten his own comic?

Lionel Pennyworth
Gotham City

Politics, plain and simple. And jealousy. Some suspect that a certain E. Jarvis has been instrumental in a behind-closed-doors smear campaign. In fact, if Marvel and DC weren't currently feuding, we would have seen the tell-all Alfred vs. Jarvis crossover - The Battling Butlers!

(Actually, Alfred had his own backup series during the Golden Age, beginning in Batman #22 (April/May 1944) and running for 11 issues. Only an occasional spotlight story since then, though.)


Dear Auntie KC,

Will a comic character ever stay dead?

Benjamin Parker
Forest Hills, NY

Probably not.

Hope this answers your question. Thanks for writing.

Auntie KC


Dear Auntie KC,

I'm still dead.

Barry Allen
Central City Cemetery

Yeah, right. In all 52 Universes?

Hope this answers your question. Thanks for writing.

Auntie KC


Dear Auntie KC,

It appears that I'm still dead.

Steve Rogers
Arlington, VA

Yeah. Bummer. Check back with me next year.

Hope this answers your question. Thanks for writing.

Auntie KC


Dear Auntie KC,

I'm still dead. I wanted to come back, but there's that whole embarrassing thing with my kids. I think I'm better off here.

Gwen from NYC

Good choice. Rest easy.

Hope this answers your question. Thanks for writing.

Auntie KC


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Dear Auntie KC,

I'm not dead. Although for all they ever use me, I might as well be.

Mopee
Heaven Helper, MA


Dear Auntie KC,

Who's Mopee?
Confused in Seattle

It's too painful to tell here. Check out Mopee's entry at Wikipedia for all the sordid details.

Hope this answers your question. Thanks for writing.

Auntie KC


Dear Mopee,

I should have killed you instead of killing the Reverse-Flash.

Barry Allen
Central City Cemetery


Dear Barry,

That's harsh, man. He didn't mean anything by that. Everybody's forgotten about him anyway!

Hey, I'm in Central City, too! We should hang.

Denny Colt
Wildwood Cemetery


Dear Denny,

I'm dead.

Barry Allen
Central City Cemetery


Dear Barry,

Hey, me too! We've got something in common, buddy!

Denny Colt
Wildwood Cemetery

HEY! EXCUSE ME! I hate to break up all this buddy-buddy stuff, but CAN WE GET BACK TO MY COLUMN? Anybody got a letter for me?

Auntie KC


Dear Auntie KC,

Apparently, I'M dead. How the hell did THAT happen?

Immortal Man
Immortalsville, RI

Insert rimshot here.

Hope this answers your question. Thanks for writing.

Auntie KC


Dear Auntie KC,

Why don't advertisers use comic books for product placement the way they do in movies and TV? I know that I'd be a lot more apt to buy my beer, smokes, and bullets if I saw them being endorsed by some of my favorite costumed heroes.

Neddy Welsh
Claverack, NY

What an excellent idea! All those terrific products that aren't allowed to advertise on TV would be a great fit for comics! They'd be wonderful tie-ins for Wolverine, Punisher, or Bart Simpson! That's gotta be better than those ads for cars, running shoes, and websites for TV shows, right?

Hope this answers your question. Thanks for writing.

Auntie KC


Dear Auntie KC,

You have to help me! I think I'm cracking up!

I could have sworn that I was married, and to the nicest guy in the universe. We were married for, like 20 years, and sure, there were some ups and downs... like clones, and his aunt kept dying and then getting better, and you know... that kind of stuff!

But this morning I woke up, and - nothing! I'm all alone! No husband! And now that I'm thinking about it, it feels like I was never married in the first place!

And you know what else is weird? There's this guy I used to date, like a million years ago, and then he flipped out and died! Guess what? He's back! Alive! What's up with that!?!!

And now I think I might have super-powers. Or somebody LIKE me has super-powers but somebody ELSE wants other people to THINK I have super-powers, when I really don't.

Does this make any sense?

Can you help me?

MJ from NYC

Yes. Yes, I can.

Stop eating the staples.

Hope this answers your question. Thanks for writing.

Auntie KC


Dear Auntie KC,

Okay, this one requires a little explanation:

So, I went to the comic store the other day to get my books, only I didn't have enough money, so I had to put some back, but I wanted to read them first, so I did, but the guy got mad and threw me out of the store. So then I went to my car, but I couldn't find my keys and I looked and they were in the car but the doors were locked, so I locked the keys in my car. Duh. So I went back to the comic store to ask if I could call a locksmith, and he said, didn't I just throw you out of here? And I said, yeah, so he said, so get out of here, real mad-like. So I walked over to the 7-11 and by then I was real hungry so I bought a Slurpee, but I couldn't decide what kind I wanted, and the cherry didn't work and the blue one tasted funny so I hadda get a cola. So after I bought the cola Slurpee, I asked if I could use the phone, and he said the pay phone was over there, so I went to the pay phone but I only had a quarter and it cost 35 cents, so I asked the guy if I could have a dime, and he laughed and said no. And I said I need it for the pay phone and he said you shouldn't have bought the Slurpee and I said he was a jerk and he threw me out of the store. So I started to walk home and I asked people on the way if they would give me a dime for the phone and they all said that the phone cost 35 cents and I said I knew that, but I just need a dime, and they all said no except the guy who was a cop and he arrested me for panhandling and he took me to the police station and I asked him if I could make a phone call and he laughed and said, yeah, so I called the locksmith and told him to meet me at the car and then I said seeya to the cop and he said, where you going, and I said, back to my car to meet the locksmith, and he laughed and told me that I was still under arrest and he thought I was calling somebody to bail me out and I said no, I called the locksmith. Then we both stood there and looked at each other and nobody said anything. Then I finally asked if I could have another phone call and he said no because I was too stupid and then he put me in jail. And I thought okay, at least I can read my comics, but no - I left the comics on the roof of the car, so I asked the cop if he would go and get my comics for me and he laughed and said, you better sleep it off buddy, and walked away. So I went to sleep. Later they woke me up and said I could go home and I asked if I could use the phone and he said, there's a pay phone at the 7-11, and I said I know and could I have a dime and he said no. So I walked home and got a baseball bat and walked back to my car and broke the window so I could get my keys. Then I drove home. My comics weren't on the roof anymore. I bet that cop took them.

So my question is:

Should I get a new car?

Fischer Placemat
Ohmeohmyo, OH

Yeah. A new car sounds great. Get two sets of keys...

Perhaps getting your comics from Westfield might save you some trouble in the future.

Hope this answers your question. Thanks for writing.

Auntie KC


Dear Auntie KC,

Why don't comic books come in liquid form?

N. McKenzie
North Atlantic Ocean

So that you don't accidentally spill the Hulk on your tie.

Hope this answers your question. Thanks for writing.

Auntie KC


Dear Auntie KC,

Do you think the 32-page comic book is dying?

I.N. Dustry
Sparta, IL

Oh, no! We're not starting THAT again.

Hope this answers your question. Thanks for writing.

Auntie KC


Dear Auntie KC,

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Karen Woodworker
Heaven Heights, MA

For the same reason why all the girls in town follow you all around, silly.

Okay, everybody SING!

Wahhhhhhhhhhh, close to you.

Wahhhhhhhhhhh, close to you.

(C'mon, Sherill... you're not singing!)

Hahhhhhhhhhhh, close to you.

(Everybody hold hands!)

Lahhhhhhhhhhh, close to you.

Hope this answers your question. Thanks for writing.

Auntie KC


[Auntie KC occasionally answers real questions. Really. Try us some time. Special thanks (and no fault to) to Kurt Busiek, Todd Dezago, Roger Ash, Wayne Markley, and all the folks we poked fun at. We heart you!]

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