Beauology 101: With Great Power Comes Great—EGO!
by Beau Smith
We thought about it as kids, at least I did, and some of us may even ponder it now as adults (I do): If you could have any super powers, what would they be?
I’ve seen this question asked many times when there is a superhero topic being batted about. As of late, I’ve even seen it tossed at actors who are playing superheroes in films and on TV. Most of the time I hear people say they would like to have the ability to fly. With the current state of air transportation, I can understand why most folks would like to take to the skies under their own power.
Myself, I’m not first in line to get the power of flight. I’ve never been crazy about flying in a plane, and I’ve done more than my share in the last 30 years. If given the opportunity to pick some powers, flying wouldn’t be it. Telepathy is another super power I could really do without. You see, I have a sensitive nature and if I knew what people were really thinking about me I’m sure I’d just be crushed, or would crush them for thinking bad thoughts about me. I could see myself turning into Billy Mumy from the famous Twilight Zone episode “It’s A Good Life” and wishing everyone that displeased me into the cornfield. (Hmmmm….ideas and names are popping into my head.)
Even though I’m a big fan of The Sub-Mariner, I really don’t want to think of most of my life being under the water. In the water is one thing, but underwater isn’t all that’s it’s cracked up to be. You can forget about me asking for the eye beam powers of Cyclops from The X-Men. That would be a pain in more ways than one. Speaking of The X-Men, the powers of the Beast wouldn’t be much fun either; all that shedding and grooming, nawww.
I always see where a lot of people would like to be Superman. Well, I’d have to pass on that one as well. Overkill. Too much responsibility and the need to take care of everyone. I don’t need the stress, then there’s the flying thing again. Just too much power for me. Same with The Hulk. Just too much. It’d be great to be strong, but I’d miss being able to read and find pants that fit. Captain America and Batman wouldn’t be too bad, but you’d have to work out all the time to keep at the top of your game, and that could prove bothersome on my lazier days. Might cut into my nap time.
I kinda already have Doctor Doom’s power, a big ego, so why bother with wearing that armor, looks like it would itch. The same goes for being Iron Man; I like technology and all, but again, the armor would be a pain. Green Arrow, nope. It’s be cool to have his eyesight and skill, but there’s not way I’m gonna run around dressed like a large Keebler Elf.
Iceman and The Human Torch.? Nope.; Too many lawsuits would abound with those powers. Anyone that’s standing within ten feet of you would be suing you for being burnt or frozen. Doctor Strange has another set of powers to avoid, having to say all that mumbo jumbo, contorting your hands into all those weird Steve Ditko positions, and then there’s the wardrobe….
Mr. Fantastic…..that’s just too kinky to even think about.
Deadman. The name alone is enough to ward you off those powers. I’d even have to pass on a character I wrote for a long time, Guy Gardner. I’d be afraid that ten minutes into being Guy, DC would make me get a bad haircut or let Batman sucker punch me, or worse, make me a part of one of their never ending “events.”
When it comes right down to it, I think if I had to choose, I’d ask for a mix of powers. I’d want the powers of:
Invisible Woman-You could hide, sneak around, and keep people from being too close, thus making sure you didn’t get any of their crummy germs.
Nightcrawler-Instead of flying, I could transport from place to place. Along with the powers of Invisible Woman, I would go undetected. Not bad.
Wolverine- He can heal himself and he lives longer. That alone would be worth the bad sideburns. Being strong and having retractable claws ain’t bad either. With his powers I could transport, be invisible, and still kick people’s butts when I felt the urge.
Hmmm. I guess the way I described all of that I wouldn’t be much of a superhero, would I? I guess I’d be a semi-bad guy or, more honestly, a self-absorbed guy.
Gee, I don’t need super powers to be that.
How about you? What powers would you want?
With much self-love,
Beau Smith
The Flying Fist Ranch
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