Beauology 101: Oh, The Humanity

"Obey Beaudock And You Will Be Spared." (Art By Flint Henry)

“Obey Beaudock And You Will Be Spared.” (Art By Flint Henry)

by Beau Smith

I’m very happy that the world of mainstream superheroes has not completely embraced all the trappings of the real world that you and I occupy.

Yes, in the last couple of decades more and more of the “real world” has been inserted in the storylines and characters that wear the tights and capes, or in these modern times, the leather suits and jeans.

So far the balance has been okay. Every now and then it goes over the top, but for the most part there is still some balance. With more adults reading comic books than children, it’s very hard for writers and publishers to keep this balance. More and more they write for themselves and not the readers. That’s okay with independent and creator owned stuff, but when it’s mainstream, corporate owned, monthly comics, then it’s a different thing. Making Superman too real world is the same as having Mickey Mouse too real world. I know most of you don’t think that way, but it really is true. Think about it; a flying man who can shoot heat vision out of his eyes and a talking mouse. The mouse is more believable.

"The Fantastic Four Welcomes Galactus To Moe's." (Also Known As Taco Earth.)

“The Fantastic Four Welcomes Galactus To Moe’s.” (Also Known As Taco Earth.)

If superheroes and all their villains, supporting casts, and technology existed in our real world there would be chaos and then one big explosion. Cities and the world itself would be cinders and smoke after just one ground level battle between the good guys and the bad. There’s no way this world could survive the collateral damage of one visit from Asgard, Atlantis, Galactus, Skrulls, or a “covert” operation from Hydra or A.I.M. The same goes from any invasion from another Marvel or DC Comics world. Doctor Doom, The Red Skull, The Mole Man, Brainac and even Lex Luthor would’ve done this ol’ Earth in on multiple occasions without even trying…and this is with the good guys winning.

Speaking of the good guys winning, just think what the clean up from a small battle with Spider-Man and the Green Goblin would cost New York. Spider-Man would never be able to show his face again because of all the lawyers that would be waiting in line to sue him on the part of the victims of these fights.

Today’s technology and internet would make sure that no superhero would ever be able to pull off a secret identity, so Clark Kent might as well just chuck those horn rims right now.

Our real world would be chaos with just one superhero.

"Not As Fast As A Speeding Bullet."

“Not As Fast As A Speeding Bullet.”

We would also have the reality that most of the superheroes and villains would be dead sooner than later from one well placed bullet to the head from anyone, anywhere. Unless they are really super like Superman, folks like Batman, Daredevil, Spider-Man, Wonder Woman, Captain America and… get the picture….would be dead. One public appearance and their head would be air-conditioned. So yeah, a common street thug could take out Batman or Cyclops without a lot of effort.

"Super-Parenthood Gone Bad."

“Super-Parenthood Gone Bad.”

Think of how many little superheroes we’d have running around. In our world, very few superheroes would be celibate. We would’ve found out a long time ago if Lois Lane could birth a super baby and it wouldn’t even be an Imaginary story suggested by Julie Schwartz. Think of all the paternity suits that would be brought up by super groupies and one-night super-stands everywhere. A really hot groupie could do more damage to The Flash than his entire Rogue’s Gallery on a good day.

"I Need A Good Lawyer..."

“I Need A Good Lawyer…”

I like the fact that my superheroes and bad guys are semi-safe in their fictional world that only borrows a few realities from MY world. What a mess it would be if they were one in the same.

For those who like to cast our military, the corporate world, and the government in the shady, bad guy shadow, they would feast upon having super powered beings to enlist, dissect, hunt down and to blame for everything. Even the most lame super powered being would have their own reality show and line of perfume. Cable ratings would skyrocket.

"Super Stars Of The Silver Screen."

“Super Stars Of The Silver Screen.”

Wrap your head around what our world would be like with every known Marvel and DC super and non-powered being would be like for just a minute. Is your head exploding yet? It will.

If Hollywood ever wanted to do a real disaster movie, then join the fictional world of superheroes with that of the real world and watch the Earth pop like a giant Jerry Bruckheimer pimple. Find a sequel there if you can.

Ponder all of this next time you sit down with your latest purchase of comic books. It’s kinda fun and a great time waster, I also think you’ll find yourself omitting the phrase “This couldn’t happen in real life” from your conversations.

Think about it, property values in Gotham City…

"Oh...The Humanity...."

“Oh…The Humanity….”

Oh, the humanity….

Beau Smith

The Flying Fist Ranch


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